Reflections, regrets, renewals
by Wednesdaycried
Summary: Joey's 50th is approaching and as he gets ready to celebrate, he reflects on his life, the laughs, the tears and more. Note - I don't know when Joey's birthday is, so I've given him my late nan's birthday. Without her I never would have seen Bread. Disclaimer - I don't own Bread
1. Chapter 1

**Regrets, reflections and renewals**

 **Apologise to my fellow Breadheads, I've been wanting to do a longer fic for a while and actually started this a long time ago. Some of this may cover similar ground, and not as well, as other longer fictions. Sorry**

 **Warning - This may get quite dark, there will be references to character deaths, depression, illnesses etc.**

Chapter 1

19 th January 2008

It was the day before Joey's big birthday and a huge party had been planned for later that day. Even though Nellie was supersticious about celebrating a birthday before it had happened,this was the only time all the family could get together and this was more important to her. The birthday boy was sitting at the kitchen table and drinking his tea. He was taking a moment to savour the peace before the celebrations began and was enjoying having the place to himself for a little while. Even though it was only him and Billy at number 30 Kelsall Street now, Billy's gob had not got any more restrained and it often felt like there were 10 people living there.

"I'm just popping to the airport." Billy had shouted before he'd left the house earlier that morning, thereby spoiling the surprise that cousin Eddie was flying over for his birthday. Joey smiled to himself and shook his head. " I don't suppose Billy is likely to change now" he thought.

He looked at his watch, 7:30am. His mam would be round soon to cook breakfast, follwed by Jack and his son Luke who always came round for some scran before going about their business, so it was rare that the house was completely empty.

Joey was in a reflective mood, this wasn't how he'd imagined his 50th birthday to be, living with his younger brother, his mam still cooking his meals. He envisaged himself married, with children, maybe even grandchildren and a big house somewhere in Cheshire. He knew he would have to put on a show for the people coming to his party, his siblings and their significant others and offspring. He didn't want to think about them for the moment and his thoughts turned instead to the people who wouldn't be there.

Granddad had passed away 5 years ago. He missed the old bugger but he smiled as he remembered his last day, they'd all taken him to the races where he won 200 quid before passing away peacefully in his sleep later that night. Joey had made a promise to Granddad on his 80th birthday that he wouldn't let him die in hospital or an old people's home and he and his siblings had ensured he was able to go on living in his own home until the end. Of all the things he'd achieved in his life, he was most proud of that. Who would look after him when he was 90, he pondered. Of all his nieces and nephews he'd always been closest to Luke, sometimes at the annoyance of Jack, but who knows what would happen in the future. Perhaps he wouldn't live that long, after all his father hadn't. Freddie had predeceased Granddad by 3 years. Even though they knew he had a bad heart, his death came as a shock to the siblings and even after all these years, Joey kept expecting to see him in town pushing his hot dog cart or working on the alottment. What had upset their mum the most was that his death had come only a few months after Lilo Lil's passing.

"That tart." she screamed when she heard the news "even in the afterlife, her chest was too much of a draw" she wailed.

"Now mam, dad had a heart condition. He could have gone at any time, you know that. " Joey had comforted her as they made the funeral arrangements.

" I know son, I just dared hope that I had him back for good. I just wanted a little bit more time with him. I did love him you know." Nellie wiped her tears away as Joey placed his hand on hers.

"I understand" he answered. He'd felt that way when Roxy left him, if only they'd had more time just to be a normal married couple without ex-husbands and interfering relatives but he knew now that he and Roxy would never have worked, not due to any outside influence but because she was difficult to live with and impossible please.

Joey understood that grief can do strange things to people but even he wasn't prepared for his mam, after her initial outburst, mourning Freddie as if he'd been the most loyal, faithful husband on earth. This prooved to be the final straw for Derek who moved to Grange over Sands to live with his daughter. Joey wasn't even sure Nellie had noticed, she was so focussed on Freddie.

It was young Tracey Ursula who had finally snapped her out her grief. She'd been looking through some old photos of Freddie for a school project.

"Why aren't you in any of his photos nan?" she asked innocently "there's some of Mum and Uncle Joey and couple of Francesca when she was a baby,but it's mostly him and some other woman."

Nellie snatched the photos away from her and expected to go on a rant about that tart, but the woman in the pictures was not Lilo Lil, but an elegant looking olive skinned lady. There were letters too when they investigated further. Her name was Anna-Luisa, she was Brazilian and she's been carrying on with Freddie for about a year before he died.

"The bastard"Nellie screamed forgottnh her grief "no wonder his heart gave way with three woman on the go. I bet that tart knew too."

No-one asked her which tart she was referring to, but Freddie became persona non-grata again and no-one dared mention his name.

She wrote to Derek in the hope of reconciliantion, but he'd found someone new as well and Nellie busied herself by being a grandmother, she was much more loving and tolerant grandparent than she had been as a parent and the various grandkids adored her. Seeing this made Joey even more regretful that he and Roxy had never any.

His thoughts turned to Roxy but they brought back into the present again by his mam and Luke bundling into the kitchen. Luke had some post in his hand.

"I thought we'd agreed not to give out cards until we were at the party?" Nellie said eyeing the letter in Luke's hand.

" The postman delivered it to us by mistake. Easy to do with two J Boswells in the same street, but this definetly says number 30."

Joey recognised the handwriting as Shifty's and stuffed into his pocket before his mam could see. There was no point in upsetting her.

"Thanks,s..er Luke" he'd avoided calling him son after a neighbour, seeing Luke's blond hair and tall,slim build had mistakanen Joey for his dad and Jack had got very upset over it. You only had to take a look at Luke's big brown eyes to know Jack was undoubtably his father, but Jack had got paranoid for a while and Joey always felt it necessary to call Luke by his name.

"Is your dad not coming over?" Nellie asked

"No, he's helping mum select something to wear."

Nellie roled her eyes but Joey understood. This was a big day for Leonora too but in a very different way.

"Just us three for breakfast then. That will be nice. " Nellie smiled, as much as she didn't want to admit it, Joey was her favourite son and Luke her favourite grandchild. He wasn't the oldest grandson, Aveline's boy Nathan was a few months older, but he was the first male Boswell child and the first Catholic to boot. Even though Adrian's two children were also being raised Catholic, Nellie saw Luke as a sort of victory.

Joey had a special bond with Luke too. He guessed it was because, unlike his other nieces and nephews, he'd seen Luke every day of his life and watched him grow up, almost like his own child.

"How's school?" Joey asked. It seemed unfathomable to Joey that Luke was still at school and wouldn't be 16 for another few months. He seemed so mature, especially when compared to Nathan who was a similar age but seemed very young, but then Luke had had a lot to deal with.

"Boring, I only go for the totty." he answered and Nellie shook her heard but smiled too. Joey remembered Billy saying something similar at that age and getting a whack round the head, showing that Nellie had mellowed with old age.

"Who was your letter from?" Nellie turned to Joey, nothing much got past her.

"It's nothing mam. "

"It's not from her is it?" her attitude to Roxy had not mellowed and she couldn't even say her name,but then neither could Joey these days.

"No, it's work related and can wait til after the party. Now off you go to get ready."

They went and Joey began to read the letter, he'd hought of throwing it away but there might be something important in it, something about Martina.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 The Letter

Joey was about to read the letter when he noticed that Luke had turned back and was staring at him with a look that said "should I say something?" Joey made it easier for him by speaking first.

"What is it son?"

"I know who that letter is from and so does dad. He's not happy that you're still in touch with Shifty."

"Is that why he didn't come round for breakfast?"

"Partly, but he really is helping mum get ready. You know how he tries to find something to do to stop him losing it."

Joey nodded, he knew what Jack's temper could be like even though he was better at controling it these days, Shifty was the one person who could make Jack very angry and with good reason.

"Shifty's letter is a complete surprise to me," Joey continued "I last saw him at your granddad's funeral. You remember your granddad don't you?" Joey always asked Luke this, Luke was nearly 8 when Freddie died and Joey figured if Luke could remember him then Toby, Roxy's son who was a little bit older than that when Roxy left would remember Joey.

"Of course" Luke answered with a smile, he'd always adored Freddie.

"I wrote to Shifty when your great granddad died, they always got on and I felt he should know, but I didn't hear from him until now."

"Are you going to read it?" Luke asked

"I might as well, there might be a birthday greeting in there."

Luke gave him the "I'm not a child" look and Joey continued.

"I'm looking for someone who used to be in my life and isn't now and I hope Shifty might have some news for me. If he does great, if he doesn't then there isn't any need for any of us to hear from him again."

"Do you mean Toby?" Luke asked

Joey was a bit taken aback by this, he didn't think Luke would remember Toby but then his parents may have mentioned him.

"No, not him, someone else."

Luke seemed satisfied with this and changed the subject

"Are you bringing anyone to the party Joey? A woman"

"No, why do you ask?"

"Well I had a bet with Uncle Billy. He thinks you're bringing a woman and I think it's the last thing on your mind. Who's right ?"

"Neither of you. I'm not bringing anyone, but it's not the last thing on my mind either. Now off you go."

Joey read the letter, there was no birthday greeting and not even a"how are you?" It was a typical Shifty woe is me type letter, stating he was being bullied in prison and lonely and desparate for visitors. A few years ago Joey might have felt sorry for him, but not now. Shifty had been given chance after chance and blown it every time. He hadn't learned anything if he thought anyone was going to visit him.

Shifty had ended the letter. "P.S have you heard from Martina?" which set Joey's thoughts racing. On the one hand, he was glad that Martina seemed to have dumped Shifty. He could cope with her being with another man as long as it was n't that bastard. On the other hand, it didn't solve the mystery of where she was and what she was doing.

Joey wondered why he yearned for Martina so much, they'd had one date which had ended in a kiss and nothing more, but he felt more passion in that kiss than anything he'd ever experienced with Roxy. Perhaps it was because the romance didn't get very far that he felt this way, all he knew was that he couldn't stop thinking about her , small things reminded him of her and he felt a warm nostalgic glow for the time they'd spent together. He wouldn't admit it out loud but he believed he loved Martina. If only he knew where she was.

There had been other women in his life. When he met Annette at an organic food fair a couple of years after divorcing Roxy he thought he'd met his dream partner. He remembered his mother once mentioning that all she wished for Joey was for him to meet a nice Catholic girl with a vegetarian cookbook and Annette met both those criteria. He even gave up wearing leather jackets for her and almost gave up the jag. However it soon transpired that Annette's views on animal rights were a lot more extreme that his and when she was arrested for sending death threats to several local butchers he finished with her. Joey beleived you could show concern for animals without being cruel to humans, but Annette sadly couldn't see his point of view. He wondered where she was now? Another person who had meant so much to him at one point who had vanished from his life. Roxy, Martina, Annette, Toby. All mysteries in one way or another. Thinking about Toby reminded him of what Luke had said. He'd always thought Toby would get in touch again once he reached 18. He was past that age now and nothing. Could it be because he was also in prison? It was worth a shot and Shifty may be able to help. Reluctantly he picked up the pen to write to his wayward cousin.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - How we got to now

 **(The next few chapters will be about the various siblings before going back to Joey again)**

Joey put pen to paper but only got as fas as "Dear Cousin" when he began to question what he was doing. He wasn't even sure of Toby's surname, was it still Hartwell or had Roxy married again, perhaps Toby had caught up with his real father and was using his surname? He also didn't want to be in a position of owing Shifty a favour even if it did mean getting Toby back in his life again. He decided he would sleep on it, enjoy the party and tackle the letter in the morning.

Once again he found himself wishing he had a partner he could discuss things with, who could offer a different perspective on things. Did Jack, Adrian and Aveline realise how lucky they were to have this? He wasn't sure Aveline did, she still seemed to take poor Oswald for granted somewhat and he always had a browbeaten look about him but they were still together so they must have been doing something right. He knew Jack appreciated Leonara even though it had taken a massive health scare for him to realise how special she was and Adrian owed his recent carrer success to Irene so he knew he appreciated her.

Billy of course was still Billy and had never really got over Julie even though he had had a string of girlfriends since, including Julie's cousin, Carmen's sister and Irene's sister which wound Adrian up something rotten. Joey had thought Billy and Connie had potential but she had wanted to travel while Billy wanted to settle down and have children and they went their separate ways and so it ended up that he and Billy were at 30 Kelsall street with their mum next door and Jack across the street. Aveline was in Childwall, only Adrian had left Liverpool but wasn't too far away in leafy Southport.

None of the siblings needed the services of the DHSS any more. Jack had discovered e-bay and was doing very nicely selling all sorts of random things to hipsters with more money than sense. It amazed Joey the amount of money people would pay for any old tat, Luke had told him that Jack had once managed to sell an airline sick bag for £30. This meant he could work from home and look after Leonora and keep his eye on mam as well, allowing Joey to concentrate on the organic shop which was doing well. He still popped in the DHS office on the off chance of seeing Martina, but it was full of unfamiliar faces now. Billy had found a job at Woolworths and seemed to be happy there even though he been passed over for promotion 3 times. Aveline had giving up modelling but had found a little job hosting candle parties at home, she did it more for the company and a chance to show off her home than the money.

Adrian had eventually found success with his writing. He'd made the decision after Freddie had died to change tact with his writing, attempting to pen gritty northern dramas rather than soppy poetry. He was getting rejection after rejection until Irene pointed out that Adrian wasn't really a gritty northern name. He reluctantly sent the same scripts off under the name Jimmy Boswell and things began to happen. The scripts, five in total based on the the lives of him and his siblings were first picked up by local radio, then national radio and 3 years ago by television. Adrian's dignity was hanging by a thread when reviews described the play based on his own life as the most boring of the five and that based on Billy's as the funniest, but it had lead to bigger things and he was now a sought after script writer. He'd been sensible this time with his money. He had a nice but modest house in Southport and his children went to the local schools. He had wanted to send them to a fee paying school but Irene had won that battle. His one luxury was his car, a 1960s mustang which didn't really suit him, but his family knew not to criticise. He also still insisted on being called Adrian at home even though it was the name Jimmy which had brought about his improved lifestyle.

Of all his siblings, Adrian's life was the one Joey envied most. He had a wife who loved and encouraged him and two children who were bright and healthy. Joey hadn't really grown close to Adrian's children in the way he had to his other nieces and nephews, perhaps because they hadn't needed him as much. All those years Adrian had spent searching for an identity and a framework and it turned out his real talent was as a father. Adrian had really grown into and relished his role, a far cry from how his was when Irene first discovered she was pregnant.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 - Adrian's News.

12th October 1992

Joey awoke to an urgent hammering on the door. He checked the clock, 8:30 in the morning. All sorts of thoughts rushed through his head, mam was ill, dad had had a heart attack, granddad had had a fall, Roxy and Toby had had an accident.

He raced down to open the door of the little house he shared with his wife and step son to see Adrian standing there looking annoyed.

" I want a divorce" Adrian blurted out and he pushed through the door before Joey had a chance to say anything.

"What's brought this on son? You've not been married a year yet."

"Irenee's pregnant." Adrian answered idignantly as if it answered everything.

"Well surely that's good news son, unless it isn't.."

"Of course it's mine." Adrian snapped "Irenee's not.." he was about to say not Roxy but thought better of it "Irenee's faithful and so am I."

"Well what's the problem then?" Joey asked just about managing to hide his irritation.

"We can't agree on a name. She's rejected all my suggestions, Leonardo, Pablo, Salvadore.. "

Joey's initial thought was that he didn't blame her for rejceting those names but instead beckoned Adrian to sit down.

"I wouldn't worry about that, there's plenty of time to discuss names. I remember when Aveline was born, she was known as baby Boswell for the first three weeks before mam and dad had settled on a name. They were so convinced she was going to be another boy..."

"It's not the name" Adrian snapped "it's what it represents. It means we'll never agree on anything, that we're not suited, not compatible. How will we raise a child together when we don't agree on anything?"

Joey was angry now. He couldn't believe the words coming out of Adrian's mouth and he wasn't going to pussy foot around like he often did where Adrian was concerned.

"You knew that what you married her. Did you think she'd suddenly change? A long time ago I stuck up for you when you said you were a wimp but I was wrong. You're worse than your father. Not even he'd be cowardly enough to leave a pregnant woman because she didn't meet his snobbish requirements."

Adrian winced. It wasn't the accusations of being cowardly that got him, he agreed with that. It was the 's' word. He was used to Billy, Jack and Aveline calling him a snob, but not Joey.

He started to cry. "I'm scared Joey. I'm frightened."

Joey softened "Well that's understandable. Pregnancy can be frightening but it's also exciting and wonderful and joyous. If you're scared imagine how Irenee is feeling."

Adrian nodded. "I keep thinking of all the things that could wrong. What if she miscarries? What if the baby has something wrong it? What if it doesn't like me? What if Irenee suffers from the same thing Leonora has. I couldn't handle that as well as Jack is."

Everyone had been surprised how gentle Jack was being concerning Leonara's postnatal depression and he had to admit he couldn't imagine Adrian dealing with it as patiently as Jack was doing.

"You won't have to Adrian. Leonara has no-one other than Jack. Irenee has a mother, sisters, plenty of friends. You won't be alone if that happens and the other stuff we can deal with as well. Now, off you go and enjoy the pregnancy together."

"There's also money. Irenee is already working two jobs and she won't be able to for much longer."

"There's always an opening at the shop, please don't say it's not your niche Adrian as everyone has to make sacrifcices when a baby comes along."

"Dad didn't" Adrian retorted.

"Mam did" Joey answered back "and when it come to parenting, Dad isn't exaclty a role model. Now then, the shop could do with some advertising fliers, something that appeals to students and familes. I'll commission you to design them if you also come to work in the shop 3 days a week. How does that sound? "

"Oh Joey. I'm very moved. I won't let you down."

"You'd better not, and don't let Irenee down either. She needs you."

With that Adrian left and Joey wondered if there'd ever be a time when he didn't have to sort out his siblings'problems and he could just be allowed to get on with his life with Roxy and Toby. Perhaps he and Roxy should move away somewhere, she had a thing about going to Scotland. His siblings wouldn't be able to pound on his door then. His mother would be able to ring him up at all hours and demand he go to see them. He shook his head as he realised that they were Roxy's words and thoughts and not his own. Sure, he did wish his siblings would be a bit more independent, but he did still want them in his life. His irritation wasn't really Adrian's fault, he was jealous. He would love to be the one sharing news of a pregnancy, he and Roxy had been trying to conceive ince they married and nothing was happening and now that Irenee was pregnant he remained the last Boswell sibling not to have reproduced.


End file.
